Ground Zero

To gauge my cooking success, I need to establish a control variable.  I think the easiest way to do that is to cook something and show you.  My current skill level is:

RAMEN

Truly, Ramen noodles are the best way to describe my cooking abilities, because I can cook them correctly every single time.  I can't exactly do that with anything else.  That's what makes me a horrible chef - consistent inconsistency. 

Once, I made an amazing batch of spicy curry lentils.  They were not too mushy, had the red color of a dazlling sunset, and had the radiant heat of an Indian summer.  They melded perfectly with an equally amazing batch of basmati rice.  When I tried to make the same thing again a week later, I melted a frying pan.  What can I say?  Success comes in waves.  Violent, unpredictable waves.

It's often when these waves come crashing down that I simply give up, stop trying, and stick with what I know.  My perpetual fear of failure prevents me from even getting close to making anything more complicated than "add water, boil, serve immediately."  So, my real goal here is to force myself to actually try. 

Next week, we will master the art of steaming Kale.  (I'm nervous)

Bon appétit!

Before Cooking: An Introduction

Welcome to Undercooking, the digital stories of a horrible chef.

Don't let the title fool you.  I overcook things just as often.  While I enjoy mocking my ability to boil water incorrectly, my actual hope is that this blog will chronicle my journey from being a horrible cook to a seasoned, mediocre one.  As a twenty-something living in an over-priced city who has no money to spend on the world-class take-out surrounding him, this project is far overdue.  Money must be saved.  Waistlines must be spared.

A few notes about my kitchen that will be helpful to know:

• My roommate is vegan, and we use all the same cook and dishware, so I can only cook vegan things.  (Wait... am I basically going vegan?)
• We have no microwave.  I have no idea why.  This makes heating and re-heating things exponentially more difficult.
• I don't like most vegetables, especially raw.  My roommate has gotten me to explore the likes of broccoli and kale, but that's as far as I'll go.
• This already looks like a bad idea.
• We have pink salt and kosher salt and sea salt and regular salt.  I don't know the difference between any of them.
• There is not enough space on this page to list all the different kinds of cooking oil in our cabinet.
• Our stove and oven are gas appliances and work pretty well.  Our exhaust fan and stove lights do not.
• We do have an amazing blender and (hopefully) all the necessary cookware any aspiring mediocre chef would need.
• The only available electrical outlet is on the opposite side of the kitchen from the counter, rendering the amazing blender as a cookbook stand.

Each week I hope to master a new, simple cooking skill, such as al dente pasta or roasting vegetables (I've heard they're bearable that way).  Depending on time and resources, if I fail at said skill, I will keep trying until I get it right.

If you are also a horrible cook, I'd love for you to go on this journey with me!  E-mail (myfriendantony@gmail.com) me stories and photos of failures and successes.  They will definitely be posted on the internet in the name of solidarity.  Also, I need as much advice as humanly possible.  So use the comments section liberally!

As beacons of hope, I will leave you with two of my greatest kitchen heroes: Hannah Hart of My Drunk Kitchen, and the Vegan Black Metal Chef.  May they be inspirations to you all.